10.5.07

At the moment, why is Michael Vaughan the captain of England?

Be warned: This is not a vitriolic post full of nationalistic pride, nor is it a ridiculous outburst at the scandal of England's World Cup showing. That might come later, possibly following alcohol consumption...

As most of you will have already heard, Michael Vaughan is missing the start of the summer tests because, simply, his fingers are constructed from sellotape and crisps. This leaves the new England camp in something of a dilemma - who do they turn to?

England semi-success Dominic Cork has been one voice calling for Flintoff to hop off the pedalo and return to the ships helm. Given that Cork and Flintoff are a) best friends and b) team mates we can probably discount Cork's temporary stance as Cricketing sage.

Flintoff's performances as captain have been nothing short of woeful. The experience has clearly left him devoid of energy and will. It should be seen as an indictment on the ECB that it can take one of the world's great cricketers, put him through the bureacratic mangle and on the other side produce a shadow of his former self.

Lacklustre in all facets of the game Flintoff needs to be granted the time to improve his currently flawed game, not his currently flawed captaincy. Being blessed with national pride does not a captain make.

Who are the other options for this test series?

Collingwood.

Perhaps his affable manner and consistent performance put him in the think tank, but I'm not entirely sure Collingwood is human. Look at the evidence: Go go gadget catching hands, monosyllabic voice, and an ageless face like that android thing in Star Trek. Terrifying.

Trescothick.

Even though he's in the form of his life, playing with clear head, sound mind and fuelled by razor clams, donkeys, buildings and whatever else they eat in Somerset, but apparently he's entirely unable to appear for his test side.

I imagine, knowing Marcus as I do, that he's very sensitive to the current plight of the England side, and doesn't want to upset them by scoring more than the rest of the team combined.

Pietersen, Bell, Hoggard, et al.

A bunch of bloke-ish, lout-ish, image conscious idiots, culpable for their team's failure in the last 12 months. Living off past glories and getting paid too much money for doing such little work has affected the spirit of the England side. They absolutely need to change priorities...

Strauss.

Well, there's no one else left...

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