At the moment, why is Michael Vaughan the captain of England?

Be warned: This is not a vitriolic post full of nationalistic pride, nor is it a ridiculous outburst at the scandal of England's World Cup showing. That might come later, possibly following alcohol consumption...

As most of you will have already heard, Michael Vaughan is missing the start of the summer tests because, simply, his fingers are constructed from sellotape and crisps. This leaves the new England camp in something of a dilemma - who do they turn to?

England semi-success Dominic Cork has been one voice calling for Flintoff to hop off the pedalo and return to the ships helm. Given that Cork and Flintoff are a) best friends and b) team mates we can probably discount Cork's temporary stance as Cricketing sage.

Flintoff's performances as captain have been nothing short of woeful. The experience has clearly left him devoid of energy and will. It should be seen as an indictment on the ECB that it can take one of the world's great cricketers, put him through the bureacratic mangle and on the other side produce a shadow of his former self.

Lacklustre in all facets of the game Flintoff needs to be granted the time to improve his currently flawed game, not his currently flawed captaincy. Being blessed with national pride does not a captain make.

Who are the other options for this test series?

Collingwood.

Perhaps his affable manner and consistent performance put him in the think tank, but I'm not entirely sure Collingwood is human. Look at the evidence: Go go gadget catching hands, monosyllabic voice, and an ageless face like that android thing in Star Trek. Terrifying.

Trescothick.

Even though he's in the form of his life, playing with clear head, sound mind and fuelled by razor clams, donkeys, buildings and whatever else they eat in Somerset, but apparently he's entirely unable to appear for his test side.

I imagine, knowing Marcus as I do, that he's very sensitive to the current plight of the England side, and doesn't want to upset them by scoring more than the rest of the team combined.

Pietersen, Bell, Hoggard, et al.

A bunch of bloke-ish, lout-ish, image conscious idiots, culpable for their team's failure in the last 12 months. Living off past glories and getting paid too much money for doing such little work has affected the spirit of the England side. They absolutely need to change priorities...

Strauss.

Well, there's no one else left...

Shock: Vaughan only fit enough for 25% participation in the world cup...

More 'great' news emerged from the England camp today as it was announced that Michael Vaughan is only fit enough to captain England for up to 30 overs at a time.

Taking the maths to another level, Vaughan bats on average for 34 balls per innings in ODI's. This means that he's on the pitch for 11% of the batting. 30 overs fielding means 60% of the bowling and a total of 40.5% of the total game involved with it...

Is this the first time an international team will have an official co-captain? The World Cup is a 50-over format, meaning that 40% of the time Vaughan won't be captaining England on the field. With Strauss being resigned to becoming the Justin Langer of the England set-up, and
let's not for one minute believe that Flintoff's relative success in the triangular series was anything more than a gruelling, luck-ridden fluke against a half-hearted and hugely dispirited Australian side lacking in drive, commitment and 1st XI players. He is not the man to co-captain England to a World Cup success.

England need to get this side of their tactics completely nailed before they step onto the pitch against New Zealand on the 16th of March. Will Vaughan lead from the dressing room or will the stand-in be in charge of events? Will there be a compromise between the two?

Cricket is a game, undoubtedly centred around instinct and reacting to pressure situations - something Vaughan has proved incredible at. But if he is off the field in the 43rd over and England need to take two wickets and not concede more than 50 runs... Who makes that snap decision? Because they can't take 5 minutes out of the game to ask, but then again isn't that what the 12th man has always been for?

Leverock 'n' roll....

Ah the Bahamian brutaliser. He's a bobby by day and a cricketer by err day/night. Hitherto unheard of by us ordinary folk, Dwayne Leverock was the one West Indian to shine in the third heaviest defeat in One Day Internationals EVER.

Making a fool of Kevin Pietersen and Paul Collingwood, the 35 year old slow left armer proved a destroyer of both reputations and stereotypes in England's resounding success.

Resembling more of a sunday club cricketer, Leverock, a genial jailor (how I wish he was from Jamaica) took 2-32 off 10 overs in the World Cup warm-up game on March 5th.

He has though, sparked something of a debate amongst the game's media about the physicalities needed for a sport such as cricket. It shows, that any size, shape, or indeed width can play the game of cricket. This surely accounts for the worldwide popularity of a sport which can be taken as gently or as energetically as one would wish...

On the BBC's website, Leverock was quoted as saying:

"This shows you that you can compete at any level, and keep your mind at a place where you can say 'I am a person' and believe in yourself and your ability..."

I wonder who'd win in a race between him and Inzy for a nice cream tea?